I have so many thoughts, I do not even know where to begin. I've been thinking a lot about...
everything. How did I get here? Why am I here? Where am I going from here? What do I .. feel? How do I feel? I've been thinking a lot about the choices, and how choices affect us and who we are.
A little over five months ago, I left what I knew as my home for the past couple of years. In some ways, I was actually somewhat relieved to be released from the obligations, stress, and unhealthy lifestyle (unhealthy in the sense of not sleeping enough, not studying enough, not exercising) that I had come to live by. But in other ways, I felt.. sad. I was hopeful, and I knew that God had a plan for me to go home and that everything would work out for the best, but I couldn't help but feel.. sad - sad that I will no longer be able to share the journey in college with my best friends and the wonderful people I have met, sad that I didn't spend more time with those I loved, those I wanted to get to know, and those I took for granted. To say goodbye, I wrote letters, trying to express my gratitude for their existence in my life, but no words can even come close to expressing this. It was hard to write these, but I knew that they needed to be written. Those words needed to be said. They needed to be heard. But like I said, I kept my hopes up and kept my head held high. Everything was going to be okay, and this was not goodbye!
Soon enough, I was back at home. As soon as I got home, I was able to take a big breathe, and just sigh.
What's next?
It is a scary thing to not know what is going to happen next, but I do think that especially during this time, God really tested my faith in wholly and completely relying on him. A lot happened at home, challenging me emotionally and spiritually.
Just two days after I got home, I got a job at a bakery. I needed to keep busy and my feet moving to stay motivated to keep moving forward. I lived day by day, taking each as its own. I spent this time at home focusing on my health (exercising and eating healthy), my crafting, working, and regaining my balance on my feet by reapplying to colleges and enrolling at my local community college for the following semester.
After a mere four months, I find myself driving up through the valley of california, through the mountains of oregon, and to the wonderful state of washington to start school again. I
never, in a million years, thought that I would be going to UPS, let alone be attending school so soon. There are times when I am at school when the fact that I am just here dawns on me and leaves me in awe. It is a miracle that I am where I am today. I easily forget what a journey I've been on and how incredibly blessed I am to be where I am right now.
Today marks the one month mark since I have been at the University of Puget Sound. The past five months have been an interesting, long and twisty road, but I think that is only because so much has happened in such a short amount of time.
How did I get here? I don't even know. It was definitely by the work of God that I am here where I am today.
In my college search 2.0, I looked at the UC schools as well as some private schools. After a long time researching, I came to the conclusion that I would apply to the UCs and UPS for the Fall of 2013 (that is... next semester). So I was going to taking community college classes in the spring to fulfill GE requirements for the UCs. It did not even cross my mind to apply to UPS for the upcoming spring, and soon enough, the deadline for the application was already passed. I though that since Whitman didn't give me any financial aid for this year, no private school would, so I would just wait it out until my my younger brother went to college. In December, I had a good conversation with a friend who asked how I was doing and how I was
feeling. How was I feeling? It's hard for me to realize how I feel sometimes, and I often just live day by day without thinking about how I feel, so this question really got me thinking. Optimistically, I said I was content, and I really was. I was okay with the fact that I would be home for the next couple of months, and maybe even for the rest of my college education (if I attended UCI). If this is where I am meant to be, then that is fine with me. After I said this though, I think underneath I realized that though I was content, I did not quite feel.. myself. I wasn't doing all that I could.
A week or so later (now.. this was in mid-December, a week before school ended for winter break), I went was checking the deadline for the UPS application due for the following fall semester. At the bottom of the page, however, I saw that the school was still accepting applications for the spring.
Reeaallly? I called the school right away to check whether this indeed was true, and it was. What harm could it do to just apply? I knew it'd be a long shot, especially with financial aid, but heck.. why not? I finished my application in a mere day and a half and submitted it as soon as possible.
A week later, I received a phone call that my application was accepted. I was ecstatic! Hill one was accomplished. The next hill was to get enough financial aid. Well, due to complications with transcripts being sent snail-mail and other hiccups, I finally found out officially that I would be attending the school a mere week before I left for school. The few weeks between finding out that I was accepted and finding out that I would really be going felt like the
longest weeks (and even days) ever. I remember refreshing my email multiple times a day, just hoping something would appear in my inbox from the admissions office. I remember just being stunned when I found out.
Is this really going to happen? I'm leaving? In a week?
And yes, a week later, I stepped onto the campus of University of Puget Sound and started my life as a junior here. It's been an interesting transition. It has been harder than I thought. Starting fresh is not easy, but I have met a lot of wonderful people here who have helped make me feel welcome. I am still finding my place at UPS, and I think that it will take me a long time to fully adjust to life here, but that is all it will take.. time. In the mean time, I try to appreciate each day as it's own.
I've thought a lot about what kind of life I want to live here at UPS. I feel as though I have a chance to start over and to re-prioritize how I want to spend my time in college. It has been hard, and it has led to me moving residence halls a month in (I just settled into my new room today), but I know it is what is best. At UPS, I want to prioritize my academics, my spirituality, and my relationships with others above all else. My perspective on a lot of things have changed since leaving Whitman, which have influenced how I want to invest my life and time at UPS. It's taken a long journey to finally realize what is important to me, but I am happy that I now know.
This has been one of the longest posts ever, and I do not expect anyone to be reading this, but it is moreso for me being able to express my thoughts into words. This post is confusing.. and full of a lot of random string of thoughts, but it is all that has been going on in my brain for the past five months.
I am excited for what the future brings. I know not what it holds for me, but I am just so grateful to be here!
